The leader of the Loser Party, Sir Keith Spanner, has authored an extremely long-winded and cliché-ridden essay in a bid to convince voters that he should be Prime Minister, despite the people showing a clear preference for three-word slogans such as “Take Back Control”, “Get Brexit Done”, and “P*** Off, Socialists.”
In over 14,000 short words, Sir Keith draws on all his legal experience and fearsome intellect to say practically nothing, except “I’m not like the last guy or the other guy, honest.”
The document, which absolutely nobody has read – especially not the scholarly hacks here at The Daily Wibble – is predicted to become the longest suicide note in history, taking the mantle from the Loser Party’s disastrous 1983 election manifesto.
Said one Red Wall-y: “I didn’t like that Jezza fella and I don’t know what this lawyer bloke stands for. But if he thinks I’m gonna read a hundred words, let alone 14 bloody thousand, he can get stuffed. If it doesn’t fit on the side of a bus, I’m not interested.”
The ruling Con Artist Party responded to the news of Sir Keith’s rambling monologue with derisory laughter, followed by more mocking laughter. They are expected to still be laughing, all the way to the next election, which they will likely win by a landslide.
Between guffaws and thigh slaps, a government spokesperson (who also works for the BoJo Broadcasting Corporation) said: “Spanner’s essay is an absolute gift to the Con Artists. Expect a jibe at the next World King’s Questions along the lines of ‘They write undergraduate essays while we get on with the grown-up business of running the country’ or something similarly brilliant, assuming your standards of brilliance are rather low.”
A left-wing commentator who claims to be a member of the Loser Party despite constant criticism of it, said: “I don’t think writing an essay is the best way to oppose the Con Artists during a pandemic and energy crisis. It just shows that the right wing of the party is vindicative and prefers to be divisive at a time when we should be united in following the left-wing policies that lost us the last two elections.
“We should also be united in calling all the government’s supporters racists and bigots, because that’s even less likely to bring them over to our side, which is of course the right side of history.”
A more centrist member of the opposition front bench said she felt the essay was “a genuine attempt by the elected leader to articulate an ambitious vision…” Our reporter fell asleep at that point.